two bluebirds on a cemetery fence in december must mean something, right? i love birds. i seem to have an easier time communicating with them than other animals.

this morning i sat on the white wall in my front yard and practiced listening with a mockingbird. someday i'll get better.

the snackrat died. we are all sad. rats actually make really good pets, but they don't live very long. when my brother decided he wanted a pet rat a few years ago my mom was pretty doubtful but she fell in love with them and we have had several since then including a hairless one named velveeta. bianca was definitely the sweetest one. we called her snack rat because mom kept her in the kitchen and she would scurry out to get snacks whenever anybody walked by. she would gently take them with her mouth or her small pink hands and then devour them. a good rat.

pearl eleanore still bites me every time i put my finger in the tank. she is so much braver than mr. betta was. i think perhaps she needs a man to yell at. i would go down and look at the petstore today but mom is at work and she would be sad if i went without her. also i really want to make sure i get the right fish. he would have to understand what he was getting into, sharing a tank with a beautiful but shrewish ladyfish. i will have to put a divider in so she can't shred his fins like she did to mr. betta. oh well. we'll see how that works out.

i want to watch mirrormask again but it is such a lovely day outside i would feel like i was wasting it. i have started hearing the typist during the day. i wonder why. i just heard him. anyways.

i really need to write my essay for gcs but i'm not feelin it right now.

maybe i'll take the dogs out in the desert.
they'll like that.

I have a hard time giving trust. I don't know why, it is just really hard for me to relax and trust others. I am trying to work on this, but it seems that every time i do trust somebody something disastrous happens. oh well. sometimes i also have a hard time giving full honesty. i guess that is related to the trust. i do not trust others to tell them my thoughts or opinions. i don't lie, i just say nothing and allow others to assume what they will.

So today i did pretty much nothing at all. the boyfriend came over and we went thrift shopping and saw toby. after that just watched old episodes of the office. as much as i love the office, i hate wasting my life like that. i really wish i could sort my self out. i have the hardest time getting myself out of bed in the mornings. there just doesn't seem to be a reason to try. maybe i do need to get back to school.

i haven't been able to do anything creative either. i still need to finish the crewel pillow i "gave" my mom for christmas and now i need to get/make her something for her birthday this weekend. oy. i'm just really uninspired. yuck.

maybe if my room was a little more in order when i wake up in the morning it would be easier? i dunno. i dunno. i need inspiration.

why do i randomly lose my will to live like this? i don't seem to be able to do anything about it and i haven't been able to identify any triggers.

ugh.

being a girl, you hear warnings from everybody about going places alone, being wary of strangers, etc. i guess it doesn't really sink in until something scary happens.

i'm a very independent sort of girl and i go wherever i want by myself. There is no way i am going to let unbalanced men and their violence and aggresion limit my life.

This morning i went running in the desert wildlife preserve near my mom's house. We have been hiking that piece of desert for the past ten years and i go out alone frequently.

at the end of my run, i was just about to leave the desert when i noticed there was a lot of litter. so i started cleaning up beer bottles, old cigarrette boxes, and lighters. A small neighborhood road borders the desert. it's usually pretty empty because the only people that use it are people that live right there or who hike in the desert. As i was picking up trash a big black SUV drove down the road. It pulled to a stop right across the street from me. at this point i still figured the driver lived there. Then an older white man in casual street clothes got out of the car and started walking towards me. He gave off some crazy bad vibes. I am kind of a paranoid person but this guy really creeped me out, and i mean way out. Plus, he was definitely not a hiker of any sort. He wasn't dressed for doing anything in the desert. I walked away from him, into the desert, because i didn't want him anywhere near me. he kept walking after me so i turned around and stared at him, my hands on my hips. When i did this he walked over to the sign with the barely legible preserve rules and pretended to read it. At this point i figured he was not going to leave, so i started walking back towards the road, still glaring at him and keeping my distance. As i got closer he started trying to talk to me about the mountain. I said something vaguely polite without smiling or breaking eye contact and said "have a nice day sir." I made it to the sidewalk and kept walking, glancing back to check where the guy was. As turned the corner he was walking back towards his car. he didn't follow me.

i didn't really realize how creepy that was until a few hours after i got home

yikes

and you know the funny thing, although i have heard that this happens in stressful situations, is that i really don't know what he looked like, despite the fact that i stared at him for a good couple of minutes. I had the impression that he looked a little like a man who was principle of my highschool for one year, and i noticed he was wearing casual, very un-deserty-ish clothes and that was it.

yikes.

i got away, but what if he gets someone else?

i wish i had thought to get his license plate number.

from now on i'm probably gonna take my dog with me when i go to the desert, even though he gets tired really fast and disturbs the tranquility with his airheadedness. he is probably the friendliest looking dog that i have ever seen, but he is pretty big so i will take him anyway.

that movie was so lame

oh well

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yuck.
why do i get like this?
i don't understand it.

a red-haired girl walking a red dog across phoenix, it was strange to see them later in the day. i guess i like it here, the familiarity and a self-shaped space. my new home isn't like that, i suppose it to take longer. odd the way my roots grow, from such a shiftless and shifty stock. glimmer of hope and a glammering of keyboard of which the typist would be proud. i bought a fish today, i hate pet stores. souls in small bodies, caged and sick, slamming again and again against the glass. I hate petstores. not a courtesy for anyone, these humans.

a flock of white birds flying over a record store. will i be the only to notice?

in the pattern of threads forming the fabric of a sleeve, in the singing of a plain brown bird perched in a bush by the road, in the breathing of the earth, in the wide blue sky, in the coagulated flow of traffic in a church parking lot

I don't take time to do this as often as i should. I usually end up doing this in the shower or on the toilet. then i lose track of time. some indeterminate amount of time later i come to and realize that i don't realize how long i've been there.

hmmmm.

new semester!
this one looks like it will be a lot better.
i just need to keep from stressing out.
its harder than i thought it would be.
today i was actually really stressed out, even though i just had two classes, both were really short, and it was the first day for heaven's sake. k. just need to stay zen. be the peace i want to see in the world around me.
also i need some groceries.

my three lovely eggs are nestled together in a bowl,
a gradient of soft brown and the third wrapped in saturn swirl
they could be small birds, with soft downy coat and stubby wings
but i will eat them instead
because i am hungry

today i went to the music department
following the first notes of a soprano sax around a corner and down the hall
the chairs are all taken and there seems to be no place for me

other people. sometimes i think i understand other people pretty well, but sometimes i just can't even fathom them. that's what i want to learn to understand.

nope. i want to complete my life cycle in the normal way, although i think it would be cool to live until 2100. theoretically it could happen. i would be 112 years old. its been done before. who knows what will happen in this next century?

looking at the box i painted that first day, my first day in a new space, a clean slate. The sun and the moon, eyes closed in celestial meditation, stars and swirls of light snaking across the depths of the universe. i never before realized this box to be my opening statement, a will of intent i unconsiously made. layers of meaning only now beginning to make sense to me.
i was beginning a difficult phase in my life's journey. one of infinite pain and confusion, of crying and bleeding out those thousands of things i had buried in the short span of my life. It tore at my soul and destroyed every false defense i had built up. i nearly did not survive this journey, this hard time on the top of a mountain struggling with heavy machinery by myself, but when it was all over somehow i was still breathing, and everything had been made new.
and that has made all the difference.

i have to end this

i love that guy more than anything

and he's my best friend

and i have no other friends to hang out with

and i haven't had any luck making new friends

and i really really thought he was my soulmate

but

i can't stay on this emotional rollercoaster any longer.
it feels like the sky is gone