of napping and rusty hinges

my sister is finally home! yay.
good things are finally happening.
yesterday was pretty bad. i was going to finally get to see my boyfriend and i drove all the way across town. when i pulled into his neighborhood he called me and told me he wasn't going to be leaving the hospital until much later. i know his family is going through a hard time and they need him but i was really hurt he hadn't called me earlier, like, before i had driven thirty minutes to see him. i just felt like i had been putting so much effort into being there for him and being supportive even though i've been having a hard time too and that just made me feel so unwanted and unappreciated. everything just kind of caved and i just sat in the car and cried for a while. then i drove home. i felt really icky and just upset, i've been feeling like that all of break. i sat around for the rest of the day, feeling icky and pretending to be happy for my family as i tend to do.

finally, i was laying around feeling sorry for myself when i had an epiphany. a very small shift in perception, but it makes everything so much better. i don't have to be a doormat. i don't have to live up to everybody's expectations. i can be angry, or whiney, or bitchey if need be. it happens. and you know what, i can yell at people when they take advantage of me or forget i exist or are not respecting me. and that's ok. i don't have any friends anyways, so it doesn't really matter if i offend people. and if i have a fight with my boyfriend, that's ok. couples fight. it happens. i don't always have to agree with him. he probably won't like it, but that's life. people disagree.

i already knew this. its not like i thought i had to be nice all the time, or act the way people expect me to act, but i still did it. i knew there was no good reason for it, and i really wasn't very conscious of it. it is just the way i have discovered to get along in the world. but now that i am conscious of it, it will change. i believe this is why i have trouble in relationships, both romantic and otherwise. before i didn't have a way to stand up for myself. at all. so if there was a difference of opinion i always had to defer to the other person. if they wanted to take advantage of me, there was nothing i could do about it. that is why i don't like to be around people, because if they don't provide for my needs i can't stand up for myself and do it. that's why i try so hard to keep my boyfriend in a good mood, because if he's in a bad mood he might start taking it out on me emotionally or get really grumpy and snappy and i can't do anything about it until after when i start crying and then we will have to have a cry party and somehow that will make us both feel better. this is why i have to cry about it in the first place, because that's the only way i know in this relationship to stand up for myself, is getting upset and wailing about it. it makes so much sense i don't know how i didn't realize this before.

i feel better than i have in weeks. my energy seems to be back for the most part and i feel good about life, much more vicarious. i have decided to go out and make friends next semester, like not just random people from classes but people that i actually have things in common with and can hang out with. i have written out a list of qualities i am looking for in my new friends (open mindedness, cares about things other then sex and getting high, respectful of my ideas, kind, etc.). is that too much? i don't think so. i have only so much time and i should spend it in the company of interesting and kind people, right? hopefully it will help me to find people i will actually enjoy being around. i don't think that is too much to ask of life. i think i am also going to try to find and on campus ensemble to play with. i haven't played the flute in like sixth months and i miss it. i played with the church handbells group for the christmas program and it reminded me of why i like music. the college groups i played in before were too competetive and up tight. no fun. anyways.

so i'm worried my latest epiphany is going to perhaps cause some relationship troubles. my boyfriend is really used to the i get upset, start crying, he apologizes and starts crying, then everything is all better problem solving model and i don't know how he is going to feel about this. he tends to feel threatened by my standing up for myself epiphanies. i think this might be because he is pretty similar to me in that he really doesn't stand up for himself very well. i don't know. i just need to find a nice way to explain it to him. poor guy. i have been learning so much about life and myself recently. i've been reading some really great books. this one called awakening is really good. im just figuring so much stuff out and feeling so much at peace, so much purpose. i really believe now that every situation we face is a lesson to be learned. everybody everywhere is exhausting themselves trying to avoid/end/change/eliminate situations they have determined to be "bad", and nobody ever seems to try to change themselves. whenever i learn from a bad situation i am better able to deal with it, and it usually resolves by itself anyways.
i am so much more at peace now.
i am really happy.
*sigh*

anyways.
the siblings are fighting for the internet.
bye bye