It's so easy for me to lose track of myself and let life mess me up. when i take time for myself (real time, not watching tv) and meditate and focus on staying stress-free then i do ok at life and i'm pretty happy. if i stop taking care of myself, i get overworked and depressed and everything just caves in on me. this has happened over and over again over the past few years, doing good, get busy, crash, recover, get busy, crash, recover, get busy, crash, etc. you would think i would learn to figure it out sooner.

Right now i am skipping chemistry class because i am very tired because last night i decided at 11:30 that i wanted to make something out of paper mache. So i did. i was up so late. usually i go to bed pretty early. yes, i realize that it is my fault that today i feel tired and sick, but it was worth it. its the first creative thing i have done in so long. and its not like going to that class is going to help me pass the final anyway. the teacher is such a small, closed-minded person i can hardly stand to go. I hate having classes with teachers like that. Their own ego is to big to see anything beyond it, like for example students or other opinions. They demand so much respect and ego-stroking, most of your grade in the class is based on how smart and important you make the professor feel. This really irritates me, for such a  misguided person to have so much power over me. AND i'm paying for it and working my butt off for it. Not all of my professors are like that. most of them are intelligent, open-minded people that i really respect and enjoy learning from. Those few though, can really mess up a semester. This chemistry teacher has been so difficult to deal with. At the beginning of the semester i tried to talk to him, but he is very patronizing and sarcastic and i always left feeling like such an inferior student. I knkow this is not true. I have always made pretty good grades. Chemistry is not my strong point, but i have put a heck of a lot of work into this course and learned absolutely squat. this is probably the most work i have ever done for absolutely no gain. No knowledge, no physical, spiritual, or emotional betterment, no acknowledgement. oh well. its almost over. i just have to pass the final exam and then i never have to take chemistry again. next semester should be good. most of my classes are from really good professors.

I have been waking up very sore and stiff lately. i am not sure why. perhaps stress. i don't know. i feel better now, some time with myself and a cup of tea. At breakfast this morning I saw that guy from my environmental policy class, the blond one who sits in the front of the classroom and finished his term paper a month early. He was studying for that class, sitting alone with his book open and his eyes closed. The final for that class isn't until wednesday. I wonder about this boy, does he simply love the class (nobody i know in the class likes it at all) or is he afraid of it? is he working so hard for the teachers acceptance, or what?

I always feel bad for people who put off their life to study. Life isn't something you can put off, and these people have made studying the words and thoughts of others their lives. Studying others is fine and good, but when do they study themselves? when do they figure out who they are and what they are here for? every moment is precious, and nobody knows how many they will be given. To waste ones life on the gamble that they will have more time, more money, more status later seems foolish to me. how many people, upon graduation after spending their life in college studying, fill the void with work? People who dedicate themselves solely to the acquisition of money are in an equally bad position. If you have a fulfilling work that you enjoy and you feel is your purpose, good for you, but many people do not have that.

I consider myself fortunate because if i do not take pause for myself, time to be alone and to study my own words and thoughts, my body will physically rebel. I break down both physically and emotionally and can no longer continue in unhealthy life patterns.

The same goes for fear. so many people waste time and energy to fear. I cannot do this because my fear is such that if i allow it a place within my i will not be able to leave my room.

Although it has taken me twenty years to see it, i have been very blessed in my weakness, in my anxiety and depression ridden psyche, in my inability to speak out.

CHEMISTRY FINAL TODAY!

the reality didn't sink in until this morning. well why didn't you study? asks the critical voice.
but i DID! i spent all of yesterday studying. I spent the last four MONTHS studying!
and i still don't know a dang thing about organic chemistry.
ew.
ok.
just have to pass
just have to pass
just have to pass

pray that i pass.

trust that the universe will work it all out.

ugh

that did not go well
at all

i don't even know how i did on the test

turns out i have a 65 in attendance
i don't know how
i went to class
one of my friends from that class is getting a super good grade overall but somehow she has an 80 percent in attendance because she missed one day

this is so messed up

who has an attendence grade in college anyways? isn't there a law about that or something? i thought there was.

i am eating a whole box of milk chocolate drenched milano cookies to make it better.

*sigh*

well, i have to drag my bruised and bleeding self to work now.
i hope everyone else is doing better at life than me

That other people share the same values as me. Ever since i was a toddler parked in front of the lorax drinking juice out of a sippy cup the plight of the earth and the creatures that dwell on it (both human and non human) has been one of my top priorities. yet time and again i was the only one who cared. In my small highschool, i was made fun of for being an environmentalist. at my old (religious) college, i was  actually laughed at in a class for saying that the human population was going to cause a problem if it followed its current trend. (that's why i changed schools. at this one i am one environmentalist among many of the same. its great.) it is still amazing to me how far people will go to deny the fact that they have any responsibility towards the earth, or that our current behavior patterns are reckless and very dangerous to any and all that depend on the earth for survival. I have heard people say in all serious that "Al Gore just invented global warming because he was trying to start a panic" and that "global warming is a good thing because i like warm weather" and "global warming is good for the earth because there are more plants growing along the transalaskan pipeline" and "humans can't go extinct because our population is increasing so quickly" and "global warming might be real but i don't think it will affect me" and "increased CO2 is good because plants need it." i am tired of being surrounded by people who refuse to open their eyes, clinging to the hope that if they can't see the monsters, the monsters can't see them.

i find the same thing is true of animal consciousness. I have actually offended people by calling a dog my favorite person. People who have had no contact with farm animals outside of seeing them alongside the road or on a plate will swear up and down that cows have no feelings, that chickens are simply feathered food machines, that pigs do not suffer in foul, dark pens because they do not know any better. i think we deny this so strongly because to admit that cows can feal fear or the loss of a friend, that chickens have a complex social structure and different personalities, or that pigs are highly intelligent creatures would be to admit that we as a society are monsters, feeding a rapidly expanding population at the expense of the living, feeling, intelligent creatures that we torture and exploit without shame.

i do not know why we cling so strongly to the archaic image of man against nature.

its a lie, and not even a good one
to keep us from remembering where we came from
where we live
and the complex system of biological, atmospherical, chemical, lithospheric, and planetary cycles upon which we depend

what reason have you to feel any superiority to a small blade of grass, slowly widening a crack in the concrete?

The sunset today was amazing, pink and gold and purple in layers of puffy cumulus, blowing across the cold sky. In the other direction, the bright clear moon cut an imperfect disk from the glowing azure blue stretched taut behind the clouds. The other workers, poor blind souls that they be, walked all the way to the shop without noticing the majestic dusk ballet, performed above them nightly, for free.

talked to my dad today
should've known better.

ugh.

i told him i didn't know if i would pass chemistry. he got so preachy.

"blah blah blah, you're going to have to learn to kiss butts if its required blah blah blah these people influence your future blah blah maybe you should go to class blah blah blah."

ugh ugh ugh.

why is it that the people most quick to doubt me are my parents? i have been a 4.0 student who never gets in trouble my whole life. and i struggle in one class, what happens? he jumps on my case like i'm a slacker or im not trying or something. what an asshole
i have never said that before about my father
what an asshole
it felt really good
what an pompous, self-important asshole

*sigh*

that feels much better.

I did go to class. i don't know why the teacher gave me a 50 percent in attendance. i emailed him about it, but really i don't think he's going to change it. I did try. I studied for every test. i did every assignment. i attended class. that was all i could do. i tried talking to the teacher several times but he just dismissed me and implied that i was a below average student.

i did all that i could with the information that i had at the time. plus, there is more to life than school. I said that to my dad, but it only put him off track for a few seconds before he got back to his sermon. he asked me if i was stressed out about it, as if he was expecting me to feel my life to be unworthy of living because i might not pass a class.

no wonder that man is so unhappy. 

it just really bothers me how ready my parents are to believe that i am not doing the best that i can, that i need some more sermons from them, some more of their shortsighted advice if i am to succeed in life. my mom hasn't been that bad recently, we've been getting along pretty well.

growing up i was the most trustworthy kid on the block
and yet my parents have never trusted me
never trusted me to do my work the best i can
never trusted me to set my own boundaries with my boyfriend
never trusted me that perhaps i have thoughts
an opinion

they wonder why i have always avoided being alone with them.

my dad sucks.


i have always wondered about him.
has he ever had a life?
what is his personality like?
does he have one?

is there anybody in there?

he's a weird guy. sometimes he really seems like a robot, completely devoid of any life force.

he's still an asshole, even if i feel sorry for him. 

The simple question "why?"

I was raised in a very conservative protestant religion which never answered that question to my satisfaction. although i have seen that religion do good things for many people, i believe we all have our own spiritual path to follow, and that religion is not the place for me right now. asking why has led me into a much better place spiritually, emotionally, and physically.

so much has happened these past few days
i haven't had time to write it down
my best friend and betta fish got very sick on the way home from school. it was really stressful. i am very attached to him. my mom acts like it is no big deal, he is just a fish, but he is my friend and i love him and i don't want to cause him suffering. my boyfriends dad was in a pretty bad motorcycle accident. the doctors say he should be able to make a full recovery but he is still in the ICU. his healing will be a long one. pray for him, and his family. they are all pretty worried right now. my  mom bought me a new betta fish, a female. i named her pearl. she is lovely luminescent pink and cream colored. the problem is mom really wanted her to go in with my other betta. they were fine for 24 hours, but when i left the house to pick up my brother she completely shredded him. his beautiful sail fins are now rags and tatters. he was very upset about this because he is very proud of his beauty. last night i woke up worrying about what i am going to do with this new fish. mom always does that, she buys me something without doing any research and then i get attached and it self destructs. like the crabs she bought me last year. that was a bad situation. anyways. so i was wondering what to do with these fish and i think mr. betta might have picked up on it because this morning he is so sick again, even though he was fine last night. i am worried he is going to die. i told him that if it was his time i wanted him to be able to go in dignity but i loved him and would miss him and not to worry about the new fish. i have a book of animal prayers from the library and i read some of the fish related ones to him. i think he likes them. right now i am leaving what happens up to him. he has had a long and hard life. i adopted him from a girl who didn't know anything about fish, she was keeping him in a tiny vase with a bamboo. he couldn't even straighten out, he had to stay bent into a circle all the time. and she didn't keep the water too clean. then he had to survive through a summer with my dad because i was gone. by the time i got back he was pretty sick. since then his health has been up and down. if you are laughing at me because i am so attached to a fish, i don't care. you obviously have never gotten to know a betta fish. they are so intelligent, and mr. betta has such a strong personality. he kept me going through a pretty tough time and i just want to be there if he needs me.
on top of all this, my computer has not been working. i turned off my avast and now it seems to be doing better. i don't know what is going on with it.
i am trying to get all of the negative energy out of my room here. it is proving to be pretty difficult. i think it's because i spent so much time in here being very unhappy and afraid here as a kid. i don't know. oh well.
anyways.
so that's christmas.
wee.

my fish is dying. i think it is his time. he is pretty old, and he has been sick on and off for quite a while. i am sad that i can't be with him, but i haven't seen my dad in a really long time so i'm staying at his house. i am worried mom will try to help him. she has already messed him up enough by helping him. i think he is ready to go and i just want him to be able to die with dignity. i have done all i can.

the problem is...

its about time for me to change the water in his tank. i don't know how much longer he will be around and i don't want him to have to live in dirty water. however. he is working on a bubble nest. this is what male betta fish do. they build a big nest of bubbles and when they mate they put the eggs in the bubbles and take care of them. it is his final accomplishment. he has been working on it for a while, despite the fact that breathing is hard for him, and i don't want to mess up all of his work by changing the water.

so i don't know what to do.

this is a big deal.

i don't care if nobody else thinks so.

my fish is very important.

we are very close.




i will be very sad and lonely when he dies.
:-(

my sister is finally home! yay.
good things are finally happening.
yesterday was pretty bad. i was going to finally get to see my boyfriend and i drove all the way across town. when i pulled into his neighborhood he called me and told me he wasn't going to be leaving the hospital until much later. i know his family is going through a hard time and they need him but i was really hurt he hadn't called me earlier, like, before i had driven thirty minutes to see him. i just felt like i had been putting so much effort into being there for him and being supportive even though i've been having a hard time too and that just made me feel so unwanted and unappreciated. everything just kind of caved and i just sat in the car and cried for a while. then i drove home. i felt really icky and just upset, i've been feeling like that all of break. i sat around for the rest of the day, feeling icky and pretending to be happy for my family as i tend to do.

finally, i was laying around feeling sorry for myself when i had an epiphany. a very small shift in perception, but it makes everything so much better. i don't have to be a doormat. i don't have to live up to everybody's expectations. i can be angry, or whiney, or bitchey if need be. it happens. and you know what, i can yell at people when they take advantage of me or forget i exist or are not respecting me. and that's ok. i don't have any friends anyways, so it doesn't really matter if i offend people. and if i have a fight with my boyfriend, that's ok. couples fight. it happens. i don't always have to agree with him. he probably won't like it, but that's life. people disagree.

i already knew this. its not like i thought i had to be nice all the time, or act the way people expect me to act, but i still did it. i knew there was no good reason for it, and i really wasn't very conscious of it. it is just the way i have discovered to get along in the world. but now that i am conscious of it, it will change. i believe this is why i have trouble in relationships, both romantic and otherwise. before i didn't have a way to stand up for myself. at all. so if there was a difference of opinion i always had to defer to the other person. if they wanted to take advantage of me, there was nothing i could do about it. that is why i don't like to be around people, because if they don't provide for my needs i can't stand up for myself and do it. that's why i try so hard to keep my boyfriend in a good mood, because if he's in a bad mood he might start taking it out on me emotionally or get really grumpy and snappy and i can't do anything about it until after when i start crying and then we will have to have a cry party and somehow that will make us both feel better. this is why i have to cry about it in the first place, because that's the only way i know in this relationship to stand up for myself, is getting upset and wailing about it. it makes so much sense i don't know how i didn't realize this before.

i feel better than i have in weeks. my energy seems to be back for the most part and i feel good about life, much more vicarious. i have decided to go out and make friends next semester, like not just random people from classes but people that i actually have things in common with and can hang out with. i have written out a list of qualities i am looking for in my new friends (open mindedness, cares about things other then sex and getting high, respectful of my ideas, kind, etc.). is that too much? i don't think so. i have only so much time and i should spend it in the company of interesting and kind people, right? hopefully it will help me to find people i will actually enjoy being around. i don't think that is too much to ask of life. i think i am also going to try to find and on campus ensemble to play with. i haven't played the flute in like sixth months and i miss it. i played with the church handbells group for the christmas program and it reminded me of why i like music. the college groups i played in before were too competetive and up tight. no fun. anyways.

so i'm worried my latest epiphany is going to perhaps cause some relationship troubles. my boyfriend is really used to the i get upset, start crying, he apologizes and starts crying, then everything is all better problem solving model and i don't know how he is going to feel about this. he tends to feel threatened by my standing up for myself epiphanies. i think this might be because he is pretty similar to me in that he really doesn't stand up for himself very well. i don't know. i just need to find a nice way to explain it to him. poor guy. i have been learning so much about life and myself recently. i've been reading some really great books. this one called awakening is really good. im just figuring so much stuff out and feeling so much at peace, so much purpose. i really believe now that every situation we face is a lesson to be learned. everybody everywhere is exhausting themselves trying to avoid/end/change/eliminate situations they have determined to be "bad", and nobody ever seems to try to change themselves. whenever i learn from a bad situation i am better able to deal with it, and it usually resolves by itself anyways.
i am so much more at peace now.
i am really happy.
*sigh*

anyways.
the siblings are fighting for the internet.
bye bye

fish is dead




:-(


i don't think he's gone though.

perhaps we will meet again somewhere

i'm going to bury him in the backyard

i cannot live with these people

my parents are so petty, squabbling bitterly about who's house we will be at today.

yuck.

i love them and i like coming home but i hate the emotional pressure they put on us. it is not fair of them to make every single holiday into some kind of perverted popularity contest.

i am growing very tired of it.

i want to talk to them about it but i'm not exactly sure what i would say

perhaps "relax and stop being douchebags" or "figure this out among yourselves and stop trying to make us do something that is going to cause an argument and bad feelings on christmas".

my family

ick.

where are things going? i don't even know.
how do i want it to end?
i don't even know
but i'm going to try and clean my room again
futile i know,
but an effort worth the effort
we shall see

at my dad's house for new years
not much to do.
*sigh*
oh well.
boredom is just a sign of blocked feelings or repressing your self, right?
hmmm
perhaps i'll take a shower.
that might be nice.