Do not dare to walk through my mind with your dirty feet.

i wish.

I really want to share more with my family. I have learned so much these last few years about healing and meditation and living a life of joy. I see them struggling with the same things i used to struggle so much with and i would love to be able to help them, even if it is just a little bit. but i am worried they will be afraid and will distance themselves from me. That is the last thing i want to happen now when i am just beginning to become close to them. So much of my mother's life is still influenced by bad things that happened so many years ago. I know everything happens for a reason, and i am pretty sure we have the problems we do so that we can learn from them, but i want so badly to tell her that it is possible to heal.

but how can i when she doesn't even believe the things i healed from are real?




what is the cure for closed-mindedness?

Have not yet figured out what to do after college. *sigh*. oh well. everything will work out, right?

Freshman year of college.

That was a tough one.

My goals this summer are:

1. To build better relationships with the members of my family. I missed out on this when I was younger because I wasn't really in a place where I could interract with others in a positive way so this summer I will catch up. This is my number one goal for the summer.

2. To get a job I can support. Most of the places I have worked have been places where I didn't agree with what we were doing, how we were doing it, or why we were doing it. This summer I want a job where I can honestly say to myself that I provide a valuable service for the money I am paid. I don't think that is asking too much.

3. I am going to get back in touch with friends from highschool. I met some awesome people there and I want to catch up with them.

The day has pretty much come to an end, its ten o'clock and i could go to bed. Somehow i'm not ready to yet though. Today was my last day at the paint shop. i am sad to leave. i made some pretty good friends there. I am sad it took me so long to get to know them, especially rebecca. oh well. everything happens for a reason.

went to bookman's today to look for a book for the library reading club over the summer, but i couldn't find it. i was overwhelmed by all the books. i hadn't had anything to eat, i think that was why. i wonder why i am so afraid of hunger? I have survived it before and yet it can make me so insecure. very strange.

If you think about it, libraries are very crowded places. What are people but a series of sequential ideas and experiences with a physical body in common? what are books but a record of ideas and experiences? If you assume that the abridged version of a person (all the relevant, interesting stuff) equals about two good sized books than a big bookstore is really the equivalent of hundreds if not thousands of people, lined up in neat rows.

speaking of books, i'm out of them. time for another library trip.

Everything happens when and where it does for a reason.

most of the furniture is attached to the walls, leaving limited arrangement options

If i was enlightened I would understand the weird things that I do, like spending hours zoning out in front of tv shows i don't even like. I might understand the weird things other people do too, which would make it easier to understand them.

I am unaware of anything that I am unaware of.